Dannielle Says: 

You have to talk to FRIENDSIE (yr friend).

I mean, I’m not sure if you went out of your way to say you friend was queer bc like… you think they have a crush on you?? Or maybe you were like ‘i have to say they are queer bc this is everyoneisgay.com’ WHICH ISN’T TRUE WE ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM EVERYONE AND THIS APPLIES TO ALL TYPES OF PEOPLE.

First off, be sensitive. You don’t totally know why FRIENDSIE is being jealous, maybe they have a crush on you, maybe they feel like you’re changing, maybe they feel super left out, maybe your booz have been jerks in the past, maybe FRIENDSIE is feeling protective, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW. So, approach with sensitivity.

Second, be direct. This is one of those things you can’t be passive about. If you say “sooo.. do you wanna talk about anything” you’re just being dumb. Literally say “Hey, i feel kind of weird about US when I start new relationships, can we talk about it?” AND THEN TALK ABOUT IT.

Third, make sure you aren’t completely isolating yourself just because you’re into a new thing with a new human. We get caught up in boo-time and we ALL have a tendency to shut out our friends a tiny bit… DON’T DO THAT. Pay attention, center yourself, find a balance, etc. You can totally have both.

Kristin Says:

Wonderful and sound advice from my colleague, Dannielle. #colleague #colleagueoftheirown #ginadavis

I agree, this has to be addressed - BUT ALSO I have a few things you might want to try if you are having trouble facing things head on right at this very moment.

A lot of times, besties feel upset when there is a new boo in town because they feel inadequate or insecure. FRIENDSIE might feel like her jokes aren’t as funny as your new boo’s jokes, or that you won’t need advice when you get mad at your parents anymore because you have your boo to listen to all of your worries.

Take time out to let FRIENDSIE know that she is needed. Don’t do it in a dramatic way where she knows you are just “trying to make he feel better,” but actually spend time with her and during that time let her know how much she means to you. Let her know that sometimes you can’t open up to your boo the way you open up to FRIENDSIE because FRIENDSIE knows you so well, and has known you for so long. Little things like that might help FRIENDSIE get back on track.

That all said, our relationships with anyone, romantic or otherwise, always flail when they aren’t honest. You can try the above and see if that helps a bit… but if you are still feeling upset, you should really scroll back up there and follow Dannielle’s very well-thought-out advice.

PS: If FRIENDSIE is crushin’ on you and that’s the issue, that’s a different post for a different day and GOOD LUCK…

Dannielle Says:

I imagine if you REALLY like someone, you probably aren’t asking yourself this question?? I mean, we all have fears when starting something new, and maybe there’s a piece of your brain/heart that is trying to protect you from really feeling stuff…BUT YOU GUYS, you can usually tell what your true feelings are even if you don’t want to be feeling them.

Take a step back and think about what you really want. It’s okay to date someone because they like you, there’s nothing wrong with that, you know? All kinds of relationships start for all kinds of reasons and it’s totally alright if the two of you aren’t on the exact same page, BUT it’s important that you’re at least honest with yourself.

You don’t want to get into a situation where you’re not that into it and POPSICLE (your boo) is totally into it and you end up leading them on for like a hundred years (exaggeration) and you’ll both end up getting hurt. Take it one day at a time and remember it’s not a terrible thing to enjoy the way it feels to be liked. You’re cool, just don’t take advantage of the situation and always be open with your feels.

Kristin Says:

Make a list.

I think that there are a lot of things that are hard to sift through when it comes to feelings, but I think this question is at least partially solvable by sitting down with a pen and some paper (I’m old fashioned like that), and writing down the words: “Things I like about POPSICLE.” Then, just make a list. Don’t think. Put the tiny things and the big things, the superficial things and the meaningful, the complex and the silly. Now, look at your list…

If your list is chock-full of things that point back toward you (I like the way he tells me I have beautiful eyes), then this MIGHT be about you liking the feeling of being liked — BUT ALSO HOLD UP. There’s one more step. If you like the way he compliments your eyeballs because you like that compliment and you like people telling you nice things, then this might be a situation of you not being too into him. If, however, you think about other people giving you that same compliment and it doesn’t feel the same — if the way he looks at you is different from how others look at you and the HIM looking at you or HIM talking to you is integral to the feeling good… then you probably like him.

We all like the feeling of being liked. That is a critical component of liking someone, they like you back and you like the way the whole kit’n kaboodle of feelings feels. #feelfeelfeel The hinge is found in how that particular person plays a role within those feelings. If you aren’t moved by the waythey smile when they talk to you, if your knees don’t feel a little wobbly from time to time because of the way they, specifically, hold your hand, those are items worthy of further reflection.

Dannielle Says: 

YOU GUYS NO.

First of all, you can pretend to be something else all you want. There are people all over the world who just totally fake it and get married and have kids and spend their lives being completely miserable because they’re afraid to be themselves. So, if you want to do that BY ALL MEANS BE MY GUEST.

But let me tell you a little something about being gay. It literally doesn’t matter. Who you are as a human being, the good you do for the world, the way you treat those around you, how hard you work, how you love, THESE are the things that actually matter.

I know it’s difficult, trust me, I totally had moments where I was like “why can’t i just be straight, everything would be so much easier.” BUT YOU GUYS, I’ve been through kind of a lot, and I can honestly say when i look back on my life the struggles are NOT something I want to erase. IT sucked, it really did suck, but I really love who I am and I know for a fact I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t go through all the bullshit.

Take a deep breath and remember to live life moment to moment. Don’t worry so much about the big picture, just follow your heart. If there are people in your life who make you feel like shit for who you are, get rid of them. Or at least back off a bit, you don’t need that. You’re perfect exactly how you are, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

Kristin Says:

I disagree with some of what Dannielle said up there, but that is the beauty of living a life… we all have different experiences that make us feel differently and process the things around us in varying ways.

We both understand how being gay shapes and affects your life, and how that is out of our control in many instances. In that sense, I do think that being gay matters. It is unfair, ridiculous, hurtful, and, at times, dangerous. We do live in a world where Glee features gay characters in primetime and where several states passed marriage equality in the past few MONTHS… but we also live in a world where trans* people are overlooked daily in the struggle for equality, where a man was shot on the streets of New York City just this past Friday for being gay, where people are excluded and ridiculed for being too fat, too slutty, too smart, too stupid, and where most people still look out at the world looking for pink and blue pairings. It can be overwhelming, and sometimes the impetus is to wish it away for ourselves.

The thing is, though, even if this “went away” for you… it wouldn’t go away. You are now acutely aware of some of the inequities in this world, and even if you weren’t looked at oddly or spoken to differently moving forward… you’ve felt it. Pushing your feelings (your human, completely normal, completely wonderful feelings) away doesn’t create happiness or make things easy.

Finding others who love you for you who are builds happiness. Looking at the things you feel and speaking to others about those experience as a means of mutual support builds happiness. Opening up conversations with others about ways to take action to pave a way forward with less hatred and judgement… that builds happiness.

You may be in an area of the world where you can’t find those things immediately —- but this post you are reading on the Internet is one of thousands out there that speak these words. The Internet has created a worldwide community of people who are saying, “Hey, there are f*cking millions of us out here who believe in you and support you. There are f*cking millions of us out here who want to work for change.”

If you have no one else to look to at this moment, look here. Remember this: you are is incredible. You are powerful. The things you may want to wish away are also creating knowledge within you that is brilliant when channeled toward helping others and creating change.

I am so sorry that you are hurting. Know that we are all out here fighting for you.